Total crap

In the early days of my career with county government one of my crowning accomplishments has been launching an organizational newsletter for 1,700 employees. From the onset, we’ve asked employees to submit their upcoming events, success stories and little things like that. I did not expect to elicit so much terrible content from our workforce. Below is a recent article from a woman who has no clue how the language works. I made the proper edits for our newsletter, but below is her unedited text with the remarks -- in blue -- I would like to have made.

The Power Speakers of MCG of Toastmaster received an email from the District 47 Governor who received a call from International President, (name withheld to protect the innocent) to congratulate the District 47 for being a President’s Distinguished District, #4 in the World!

Not terrible at this point, but already you have managed to turn off any readers with details of HOW the announcement was made and -- incredibly -- misidentified the international organization of which you’re so proud to be a member. It’s actually Toastmasters International.

There are 81 districts in the world. Only the top six are considered in the President’s Distinguished circle. In the District #47, there are 8 Division (A-I) with 42 Areas (10 – 86). ZZZzzzzz … The Power Speakers of MCG is under Area 61. Fascinating! Area 61 has 5 Clubs and the other four are Tropicana Toastmaster, Bradenton Toastmaster, Manatee WCR Club, and Master Communication of Crystal Palace. Congratulation District #47! ToastMASTERS. And, there is no such thing as one congratulation. If writing doesn’t pan out for you, maybe you can get back your old job at the Cracker Barrel.

Toastmaster International currently has members in 106 countries. Toastmaster was born on October 1924 at Santa Ana, California. Its parents must have been so proud. The old picture you see on the right. Yeah?! It’s not pictured.

This was in 1962; Dedication of new World Headquarters building in Santa Ana, Ca. This is not even a sentence. Toastmaster has been around for a long time. Get to know the history go to Toastmasters.org. Again, not a sentence.

Our club, Power Speakers of MCG has 20 members. The club should revoke your membership. The membership is affordable. Affordable for minimum wage earners? The cost is $ 20 for new member fee and $ 27 dues every six months. Dues may vary based on variety of factors. You missed an article. Forget it. The club officer will send you application and fees to Toastmasters’ World Headquarters. Doesn’t make sense. Your New Member Kit should arrive in the mail in about 10 days.

We are proud to announce that we have started a newsletter that will be published every month. Please, please don’t ask me to edit that. This newsletter will tell you what is happening in the club. You can also visit us. You are allowed to come several times to decide if you want to join. I don’t. There is no pressure. No pressure to use proper English?

Members join the club for an array of reasons: It could be to learn to be a better listener, to think fast when answering questions or to speak better, especially in public. They let you speak in public?

You will be amazed how you can accomplish the task. Before you know it, you will have done 10 speeches and realized it isn’t that bad. When you do completed 10 speeches you will receive an award. Terrible. Trust me, you will be proud! I’m proud that you finally wrote a sentence that doesn’t make you sound like an illegal immigrant.

Your employer can get a notice by mail of what you have accomplished. How about I mail your employer a notice that you can’t write for shit instead? You can also be on any of the Officer roles. You can’t. The Officer Roles we have are Club President, VP Education, VP Membership, VP Public Relations, VP Marketing Chairman, Secretary, Treasurer, or Sergeants at Arms. We vote every six month for new Officers. Another great selling point. Please, sign me up as soon as the rest of the club fires you. This is where you can learn how to present the meeting as an Officer. It’s a good learning experience. If you are interested or got questions, I got question: does your children right as good as you? please email to I’m withholding your e-mail address so others don’t send you death threats. She will be happy to answer any questions you may have. I have another question: This was our cat writing all along, wasn’t it?