Saturday, November 22, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Cunningham native, coaching novice tapped to lead UT
New field marshal Ryan Groves vows Vols ‘won’t suck so bad’ next year
KNOXVILLE – On a hallowed hill in Tennessee, the Volunteer Football program Monday night announced a surprise that echoed clear across the Smokies: coaching unknown Ryan Groves is taking the helm.
The floundering football Vols were expected to choose from a list of elite coaches to replace the rotund and resigning Phillip Fulmer.
But marquee names quickly became afterthoughts when UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton went with an incredibly unconventional choice, hiring instead the state’s most proficient football video game player.
Groves recently emerged as champion of the Bluff City Xbox 360 NCAA Football ’09 Challenge. Using an unmatched display of strategic wit and dizzying quickness of thumb, Groves bested 441 others to win the tournament and its $250 prize. Little did he know the championship was also a one-way ticket to Rocky Top.
Hamilton was impressed and moved to recruit his surprise new coach.
“Why the hell not,” Hamilton said. “When you’re competing against the likes of Nick Saban, Urban Meyer and Mark Richt, I’m not sure even Lane Kiffen makes a hill of beans worth of difference. I want to kick off this rebuilding era with some young blood.”
A native of rural Cunningham, Tenn., Groves, 31, honed his video gaming skills during long hours of practice against college roommates during the Vols’ glory years of the 1990s and, more recently, against his own children ages 4 and 1.
Groves’ first measures of business as coach: Underperforming athletes will be strongly encouraged to heroically quit the team and to join the Armed Forces. A coach-and-players-only meeting will be held in December to discuss the players’ current and future life insurance policies.
“In life and on the gridiron, you never can be too insured,” Coach Groves stressed.
He wasted little time naming two Clarksville attorneys and coaching obscurities to the staff: Travis Meeks becomes offensive coordinator and B. Nathan Hunt is defensive coordinator.
Groves plans to begin recruiting next year’s team not along pipeline states but from within the university. He pointed out there are “way too many” 6-foot-11-inch, 320-pounders pursuing Biology majors instead of running sprints on the practice field.
“I can promise you we won’t suck so bad this time next year,” Groves said. “I’m committed to restoring the competitive-ism (sic) and dignity-ness (sic) of this football team.”
Volunteer football players were immediately impressed with Groves’ yelling ability and the distance which Hunt can angrily toss his hat.
Groves’ friends said the newly minted coach is best known for a few embarassing college blunders and for his devastating “people’s elbow” which he often delivered in drunken fits of rage. Groves once administered the move on little brother Patty “Doo-Doo” Groves, crushing the younger man’s tibia.
Groves’ wife, Christine instantly becomes the First Lady of Tennessee Football while their two young boys, Gracen and Grant, become the program’s top two blue chip prospects despite the fact neither can bench over 20 pounds and neither run the 40 meter dash in less than 25 seconds.
“That don’t (sic) matter,” Groves said. “We’re going to focus on the fundamentalists (sic).”
Christine, Groves’ unassuming wife only wanted to know, “When can we meet Coach (Bruce) Pearl?”
Hunt’s priority, in addition to leading the offense, will be to improve UT’s standing as the country’s 103rd best party school. He also aims to take under his wing players facing legal problems and those who seek guidance on talking pointlessly to hear themselves heard.
Meeks, reportedly on an “arm-and-leg” bender with his new wife in Aruba, could not be reached for comment.
Upon hearing the news Volunteer superfans Nathan Ledbetter, Matt Stokes, Chris Dennis, Evan Radish and Cecil Morgan shrugged and ripped into a 12-pack of Natural Light to celebrate.
KNOXVILLE – On a hallowed hill in Tennessee, the Volunteer Football program Monday night announced a surprise that echoed clear across the Smokies: coaching unknown Ryan Groves is taking the helm.
The floundering football Vols were expected to choose from a list of elite coaches to replace the rotund and resigning Phillip Fulmer.
But marquee names quickly became afterthoughts when UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton went with an incredibly unconventional choice, hiring instead the state’s most proficient football video game player.
Groves recently emerged as champion of the Bluff City Xbox 360 NCAA Football ’09 Challenge. Using an unmatched display of strategic wit and dizzying quickness of thumb, Groves bested 441 others to win the tournament and its $250 prize. Little did he know the championship was also a one-way ticket to Rocky Top.
Hamilton was impressed and moved to recruit his surprise new coach.
“Why the hell not,” Hamilton said. “When you’re competing against the likes of Nick Saban, Urban Meyer and Mark Richt, I’m not sure even Lane Kiffen makes a hill of beans worth of difference. I want to kick off this rebuilding era with some young blood.”
A native of rural Cunningham, Tenn., Groves, 31, honed his video gaming skills during long hours of practice against college roommates during the Vols’ glory years of the 1990s and, more recently, against his own children ages 4 and 1.
Groves’ first measures of business as coach: Underperforming athletes will be strongly encouraged to heroically quit the team and to join the Armed Forces. A coach-and-players-only meeting will be held in December to discuss the players’ current and future life insurance policies.
“In life and on the gridiron, you never can be too insured,” Coach Groves stressed.
He wasted little time naming two Clarksville attorneys and coaching obscurities to the staff: Travis Meeks becomes offensive coordinator and B. Nathan Hunt is defensive coordinator.
Groves plans to begin recruiting next year’s team not along pipeline states but from within the university. He pointed out there are “way too many” 6-foot-11-inch, 320-pounders pursuing Biology majors instead of running sprints on the practice field.
“I can promise you we won’t suck so bad this time next year,” Groves said. “I’m committed to restoring the competitive-ism (sic) and dignity-ness (sic) of this football team.”
Volunteer football players were immediately impressed with Groves’ yelling ability and the distance which Hunt can angrily toss his hat.
Groves’ friends said the newly minted coach is best known for a few embarassing college blunders and for his devastating “people’s elbow” which he often delivered in drunken fits of rage. Groves once administered the move on little brother Patty “Doo-Doo” Groves, crushing the younger man’s tibia.
Groves’ wife, Christine instantly becomes the First Lady of Tennessee Football while their two young boys, Gracen and Grant, become the program’s top two blue chip prospects despite the fact neither can bench over 20 pounds and neither run the 40 meter dash in less than 25 seconds.
“That don’t (sic) matter,” Groves said. “We’re going to focus on the fundamentalists (sic).”
Christine, Groves’ unassuming wife only wanted to know, “When can we meet Coach (Bruce) Pearl?”
Hunt’s priority, in addition to leading the offense, will be to improve UT’s standing as the country’s 103rd best party school. He also aims to take under his wing players facing legal problems and those who seek guidance on talking pointlessly to hear themselves heard.
Meeks, reportedly on an “arm-and-leg” bender with his new wife in Aruba, could not be reached for comment.
Upon hearing the news Volunteer superfans Nathan Ledbetter, Matt Stokes, Chris Dennis, Evan Radish and Cecil Morgan shrugged and ripped into a 12-pack of Natural Light to celebrate.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Obama visits Sarasota
OK, this was seriously one of the coolest moments of my career. After Obama spoke to a huge crowd at Ed Smith Stadium, a small group of press were invited to an "undisclosed event at an undisclosed location" at about 1:15 p.m.
After a lengthy wait aboard a charter bus, co-workers Natalie Alund and Tiffany Tompkins-Condie and I were off ... to a pumpkin patch in downtown Sarasota. The bus became the caboose of a long police escort through downtown. We reached a stopping point, the bus dropped us off and continued to the airport leaving most of us without a ride back.
We rushed out of the bus and over to a makeshift pumpkin patch where we stood, kinda waiting for a second. Then someone said, "Oh, there he is." Obama was nearby talking to a man about the pumpkins he was selling for a local church.
The two chatted for a few minutes and Obama picked out a few pumpkins, presumably for his two girls at home (the following day he was back in Chicago to spend some Halloween time with his family). You can read more about the event here. The media were taking notes and snapping photos, but we didn't have a chance to ask questions.
At one point an onlooker across the street shouted, "I voted for you!" He waved off Secret Service and invited the woman and several others over to shake hands.
Maybe the thing I'll remember most about my brush with our next president is how quiet it was. Here was a man we're used to seeing give rousing speeches before thousands of cheering people. But here, in downtown Sarasota, the street was closed to traffic and many of us who were there were a touch awestruck. You could hear Obama chitchat with the pumpkin dude. The moment was so ... still.
I stood taking notes and snapping photos with a silly grin on my face. Soon Obama was gone and Natalie and I scrambled to find some wireless Web to e-mail the news to the office while Tiffany went to get her car to bring us back.
I would loved to have asked a few questions, but that will have to wait for another time. Maybe I'll find him again at a farmer's market.
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