Coping with age

Blue clouds of clove and patchouli drifted upward as paint-splattered Chuck Taylors darted past us in all directions.

A teen-ish emo couple fondled each other on the ground 10 feet away, seemingly oblivious to the hundreds filing into the lawn space around them.

“I feel old,” I told Tee. An understatement given that 90 percent of the crowd was younger than me. Probably more fleet of foot.

“I feel preppy,” she said. Without tie-dye or dreadlocks we were the clear minority.

“I’m straight up trounced, Bro!” Our neighbor’s eyes rolled back and his head flopped forward.

No doubt about it, the four of us were strangers in another world at last night’s Radiohead concert. Two friends, Tiffany and I had gone to Tampa for the show. We were joined by every Bay-area adolescent who skirted curfew or begged off the Blockbuster night shift.

We were a bit uneasy when a hippie’s misshapen tit plopped out of the satchel she was wearing as a makeshift top. Later we were downright shaken when she cheered and a full-on afro erupted from her pits.

At 7 p.m. the opening act, the Liars, ignited in a sort of experimental percussion bomb. The sun setting on their electronic-crap collage was the unofficial wink for smugglers to spark a doob. The smell reminded me of college and my 56-year-old uncle’s room at Grandma’s house. (He still lives at home, get it?!)

Our friend Stacey, preggers for the past four months, ducked under the plume while her reformed husband Brian leaned back for a deeper whiff. This whole adventure was my idea, so if their unborn baby ever fails the third grade, I’ll be indirectly responsible.

I started feeling terrible about the youth around us. I was jealous. It wasn’t so long ago that I was one of those smelly kids, I thought. At age 30 I love my life and my future wife, I just miss the days of guilt-free summers and sneaking around the authorities without a care in the world.

But then, just as I was about to wave a white flag in surrender to my age, Tee pointed to a shining ray of hope, a symbol that would help me get through this night and maybe even bridge the final gap into being an adult!

Nearby a stoner with shoulder-length hair bobbed to the rhythm as the bald spot on the back of his head screamed to me, “Mellow the fuuuuuuuck out, Dude!”

“That’s really sexy,” Tee joked. She’d much rather I have a peppery “do” than a chrome dome. Plus, a hookah-sized patch like this one made the guy look like a real douche bag.

Crazy as it sounds, that quiet bald spot was enough to scream a cheer of solace at me for the night. IT was right – you’re only as old as you feel and I was at a Radiohead concert, the band’s second stop on a huge world tour!

I gulped my pride, dipped back for a deep breath of second-hand smoke and soaked in the music.

The next two hours were blissful, even if my recreational drug — cold beer at $10 a pop — probably cost about the same without delivering half the punch as the illegal substances around us.

We made it home by after midnight. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d stayed up that late on a work night. I kissed Tee good-night and nestled my head into a fluffy pillow. Before nodding away I thanked God for great friends, great family, great music and great genes that spared me from male pattern baldness.

The humor of this story ends here. If you care to know about the music of Radiohead, read on below.

As for the concert it was kinda like my take on the band itself: pretty cool, not great. Before the show two huge flat screens broke some bad news to the faraway crowd: “Due to artist request television screens will not be turned on. Thank you for understanding.” That was another way of stating “All you poor schleps who wouldn’t spring for seats are going to have to just sit back and listen.”

Our seats were in the lawn, approximately 7 miles from the stage. The performing band may as well have been surviving members of Color Me Badd.

Radiohead sounded great; they were tight, fluid. Played a good mix of old and new for about two hours. But you go to a concert to watch the band, y’know? This would have been one kick ass show had we actually seen it.

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Radiohead setlist, Ford Amphitheatre
All I Need
There There
Lucky
Bangers + Mash
15 Step
Nude
Pyramid Song
Optimistic
Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
National Anthem
Idioteque
You And Whose Army?
Reckoner
Everything In Its Right Place
Airbag
Bodysnatchers
Videotape

First Encore
The Gloaming
The Tourist
Just
Faust Arp
Exit Music (For A Film)

Second Encore
The Bends
House Of Cards